2016: The Good. The Bad. The Life Changer

                                                              2016 wasn't my best year.

 First the good. 

I was able to finally get a full time job as a librarian and had a fantastic vacation in November in which I was able to pay a majority of.

It's been wonderful to have money to help out and to be able to pay what bills I have and have money left over. I wasn't smart with my money last year, but now I can make a plan and actually start saving. I have also learned so much in new job. The librarians I work for are extremely knowledgeable, really care about their jobs, and truly believe in libraries and their employees which his a huge switch from my last job.

We were able to take a trip to Disneyland and Universal in November which was amazingly fantastic. Most of my family are big Disneyland fans and my sister and I started saving in 2015 so we could go. I was able to finally see the Wizarding World of Harry Potter (which was awesome) and we were able to do so much more at Disneyland than we've ever done before. We rolled high by staying at the Grand Californian which was not in the original plan, but was amazing. I think we could've stayed so many more days. Plus my 3 month old niece was able to go and although she won't remember anything it was fun spending so much time with her and we met so many characters it was nuts. It was one of the best trips we've ever had at Disneyland and has a family. 

Unfortunately 2016 was also a negative life changer.

 As much as I am thankful for my job and work for awesome people I work for I have become discontent with my job. I am still working part-time at my previous job and although my boss over there is the absolute worse I miss working there. I had so much more to do and felt like I was really doing something for the library and my community neither of which I have at my new job. Each day it is harder to come to work and stay because I do not want to be there. Most days I just really want to go home. I have been so torn over what I need to do and what I want to do. I'm a dedicated worker and would feel terrible about leaving my job and disappointing the people I work with to leave for another job after just a year, but at the same time I wonder what I need to do for me. It can be difficult hearing my boss say all the plans she has for me and asking how I am liking my job. It makes me feel terrible. I have had a constant battle in my head for a while now and I just do not know what to do.

In June my doctor told me my thyroid levels were low. He started me on a Thyroid Supplement, had me take another blood test, and sent me to a Ears, Nose, and Throat doctor. The ENT doctor immediately said I needed surgery because my thyroid was not working and was growing. He said I should remove it before it turned into a goiter and started cutting off my airflow. I went with it and was scheduled for surgery. He told me the surgery had small side effects that included accidentally nicking my vocal cord which would hurt my voice and possibly hurting the calcium pods next to the thyroid, but he wasn't concerned.

So I had surgery (my first ever major surgery which was terrifying)and woke up three hours later with a successful surgery and a nicked vocal nerve. Turns out the ENT spent an hour trying to find my vocal nerve and couldn't so he proceeded with the surgery and in the process he must have nicked it. Nicking it left me with a paralyzed right vocal cord. I was fine with it at first, but as I slowly lost the drugs from my system the more it sunk it.

It's been quite frustrating. I am unable to raise my voice, run out of air while talking, sometimes have trouble eating and drinking, and any small task has me wheezing. I miss my voice. You don't realize how easy talking is until your voice has been affected. I have tried doing storytime at work and have been unable to get through a song without running out of breath and have the same issue with reading the story (reading out loud in general has been hard). I have started speech therapy, but there really is no change short of another surgery that can even come close to getting my voice back. My ENT has slowly been raising my supplements with each blood test, but I haven't noticed any difference. I'm not sure what exactly I'm supposed to feel, but nothing has changed. I go in for more blood work in March and an ultrasound for the left side of the thyroid (which I still) have since they found a little cancer on the side they removed. It's been a journey and I'm not sure where it is supposed to take me.

The hard hitter though was passing of my dog Chase at the the end of October. He was having medical issues due to a botched surgery and snuck out of the house in the rain and fell in the pool. My mom found him shortly after. It has made life even more of a struggle. I miss him always. I've finally stopped crying everyday, but often times I am struck with such grief that is knocks me down.

 All of this has left me so messed up. I'm often depressed, so tired, brain fogged, and just want to stay in my bed. I am at a low point. I don't know what to do. I'd be lying if I said everyday was bad, but they happen more often than not.

So here I am as 2017 starts.

Where that is I'm not sure. Almost at the bottom. I haven't hit the rock, but it could be hiding in the fog.

Epic Adventure

I really want to do something epic this year. Not just a vacation or a trip, but something really amazing. I was talking to me friend a couple months ago and we mentioned a road trip. Of course it hasn't been mentioned again, but it's been stewing in my brain since we brought it up. It wouldn't be easy. Actually being away from my family (I do it for school but it's still been difficult), finding the money, finding a good car, and I would need to find a travel buddy or two. But it sounds like it could just be awesome. I'm thinking it might be the epicness that I'm looking for. I'll have to keep looking and hope that I find it.

Psychic

So Amanda and I went to a Psychic today. Amanda went yesterday and was telling me about how this lady was amazing. She was able to get her friend Daniel and her right on. I was surprised that the lady told Amanda some of these things because they were things that I knew all along but for someone who never meet her, pretty good. Even though I’m totally for this kind of stuff a part of me was a little skeptical. But Amanda talked my into it…just a little since a part of my really wanted to go. I figured it was $25 that I could spend on myself.

The place is this house in the not so good part of town. It has this huge sign with a hand and the word psychic next to it. So we parked the car across the street at Rancho San Miguel and walked to the house. The lady does this in her house where she lives with someone and scared us when she opened the door. She pointed us to this small room right next to the front door. She was….normal. That sounds bad and I don’t expect all psychics to wear turbans and stuff, but she was just a lady. We sat down and she asked what I wanted: palm read, tarots, or psychic reading. I picked palm because it was cheapest. Her dog interrupted but that was ok.

She started by telling me to pick 2 wishes. 1 I tell her out loud and the other I keep to myself. Out loud I said ‘I want to be happy’ inside I thought I want to meet someone special. She did a little ‘ooo’ and started. It was weird. Even now I look back on it and there are no words to describe it. It wasn’t the future and shocked me but the way she got ME. She told me that I’m sensitive, too sensitive. I let everything get to me and it brings me down. I write and I don’t let anyone read it because I’m scared that they’ll laugh at me. I worry too much about what others say. She said that I had someone in the past; we never got close because I wouldn’t let him and that he disappointed me. That I never let anyone close because I worry that they’ll disappoint me. She said that I’m having trouble with a friend. That this friend is letting my down and it’s causing me troubles. She asked if I have problems sleeping and that the reason I can’t is because I have to much negative energy. I hold too much in and it never gets out. She guessed Bounce About and how I didn’t like my job. I liked the kids but the parents got in my way and I felt I wasn’t going anywhere with it. And that since September my home life has been causing me trouble. I have no space for myself.

Those things are what got me. How did she get that? I didn’t talk to her, I don’t even know her name and she doesn’t know mine, but she held my hand took a look at my palm and got all of it. And it’s all true.

She told that my transferring to Stanislaus is good for me. I’ll have two new beginnings this year; my birthday and the beginning of school. I have to break away from home so that I can learn about me. She said that I’m going to meet someone and fall in love and get married within the next two years. Amanda asked if I was going to live in a big city but the lady said I’ll probably get married before that choice gets put on the table. She said she sees me as a teacher for little kids. I’ll have two or three but that’s it because I’ll be surrounded by them. I should write kids books. She said I need a hobby, not painting that’s too simple, but something. She saw a craft and I said stained glass. She said I should take it up again because I have to do something that takes my mind off the world and my problems. I need to get rid of my negative energy. She said that she usually tells people not to take so many risks because they break their heart to much, but that I have to and if my heart gets broken oh well that’s life. I worry to much about people and my family and it’s not functional but it’s not dysfunctional. I have to do something for me.

I think that that was everything. I can’t really remember, we talked a bit about how she did it and what I felt with my own tarot cards. Then she asked if I have any question and I couldn’t think of any at the time, but now I have tons.

It was just a surreal moment and I kinda want to do it again.