Imaginary Break

Sometimes you are effected by moments in ways you don't realize. For example I was in a car accident about 9 years ago. I rear-ended a truck. It wasn't a terrible accident unfortunately my car is made of paper and was smashed while his was fine. Since then when I am driving in the passenger seat with someone I automatically push down on an imaginary break when we get close to the car in front of us. I am so scared that we are going to hit them that my heart beats fast and I push on a imaginary break like I can do something. It' been 9 years and it hasn't gone away.

Last week I realized a new thing.

The morning my dog passed away I woke to a weird noise coming from downstairs. I thought it may have been one of the cats, but I wasn't sure. I ignored it for about a minute and finally went into the hallway and the top of the stairs to see what it was. It turns out it was my mother wailing. Something that I had never heard. She had found Chase in the pool.

Since then I do not wake up peacefully anymore instead I'm not a minor alert. Now every noise in the house while I am in bed freaks me out. Waking in the morning is the worst because I hear something and I freeze. I flashback to that morning and just think something bad has happened.

 It's like my new imaginary break

 

Chase

2016: The Good. The Bad. The Life Changer

                                                              2016 wasn't my best year.

 First the good. 

I was able to finally get a full time job as a librarian and had a fantastic vacation in November in which I was able to pay a majority of.

It's been wonderful to have money to help out and to be able to pay what bills I have and have money left over. I wasn't smart with my money last year, but now I can make a plan and actually start saving. I have also learned so much in new job. The librarians I work for are extremely knowledgeable, really care about their jobs, and truly believe in libraries and their employees which his a huge switch from my last job.

We were able to take a trip to Disneyland and Universal in November which was amazingly fantastic. Most of my family are big Disneyland fans and my sister and I started saving in 2015 so we could go. I was able to finally see the Wizarding World of Harry Potter (which was awesome) and we were able to do so much more at Disneyland than we've ever done before. We rolled high by staying at the Grand Californian which was not in the original plan, but was amazing. I think we could've stayed so many more days. Plus my 3 month old niece was able to go and although she won't remember anything it was fun spending so much time with her and we met so many characters it was nuts. It was one of the best trips we've ever had at Disneyland and has a family. 

Unfortunately 2016 was also a negative life changer.

 As much as I am thankful for my job and work for awesome people I work for I have become discontent with my job. I am still working part-time at my previous job and although my boss over there is the absolute worse I miss working there. I had so much more to do and felt like I was really doing something for the library and my community neither of which I have at my new job. Each day it is harder to come to work and stay because I do not want to be there. Most days I just really want to go home. I have been so torn over what I need to do and what I want to do. I'm a dedicated worker and would feel terrible about leaving my job and disappointing the people I work with to leave for another job after just a year, but at the same time I wonder what I need to do for me. It can be difficult hearing my boss say all the plans she has for me and asking how I am liking my job. It makes me feel terrible. I have had a constant battle in my head for a while now and I just do not know what to do.

In June my doctor told me my thyroid levels were low. He started me on a Thyroid Supplement, had me take another blood test, and sent me to a Ears, Nose, and Throat doctor. The ENT doctor immediately said I needed surgery because my thyroid was not working and was growing. He said I should remove it before it turned into a goiter and started cutting off my airflow. I went with it and was scheduled for surgery. He told me the surgery had small side effects that included accidentally nicking my vocal cord which would hurt my voice and possibly hurting the calcium pods next to the thyroid, but he wasn't concerned.

So I had surgery (my first ever major surgery which was terrifying)and woke up three hours later with a successful surgery and a nicked vocal nerve. Turns out the ENT spent an hour trying to find my vocal nerve and couldn't so he proceeded with the surgery and in the process he must have nicked it. Nicking it left me with a paralyzed right vocal cord. I was fine with it at first, but as I slowly lost the drugs from my system the more it sunk it.

It's been quite frustrating. I am unable to raise my voice, run out of air while talking, sometimes have trouble eating and drinking, and any small task has me wheezing. I miss my voice. You don't realize how easy talking is until your voice has been affected. I have tried doing storytime at work and have been unable to get through a song without running out of breath and have the same issue with reading the story (reading out loud in general has been hard). I have started speech therapy, but there really is no change short of another surgery that can even come close to getting my voice back. My ENT has slowly been raising my supplements with each blood test, but I haven't noticed any difference. I'm not sure what exactly I'm supposed to feel, but nothing has changed. I go in for more blood work in March and an ultrasound for the left side of the thyroid (which I still) have since they found a little cancer on the side they removed. It's been a journey and I'm not sure where it is supposed to take me.

The hard hitter though was passing of my dog Chase at the the end of October. He was having medical issues due to a botched surgery and snuck out of the house in the rain and fell in the pool. My mom found him shortly after. It has made life even more of a struggle. I miss him always. I've finally stopped crying everyday, but often times I am struck with such grief that is knocks me down.

 All of this has left me so messed up. I'm often depressed, so tired, brain fogged, and just want to stay in my bed. I am at a low point. I don't know what to do. I'd be lying if I said everyday was bad, but they happen more often than not.

So here I am as 2017 starts.

Where that is I'm not sure. Almost at the bottom. I haven't hit the rock, but it could be hiding in the fog.

Epic Adventure

I really want to do something epic this year. Not just a vacation or a trip, but something really amazing. I was talking to me friend a couple months ago and we mentioned a road trip. Of course it hasn't been mentioned again, but it's been stewing in my brain since we brought it up. It wouldn't be easy. Actually being away from my family (I do it for school but it's still been difficult), finding the money, finding a good car, and I would need to find a travel buddy or two. But it sounds like it could just be awesome. I'm thinking it might be the epicness that I'm looking for. I'll have to keep looking and hope that I find it.

The Scarlet Letter

The Scarlet Letter with Demi Moore is on. My American Lit college professor and the movie Easy A both told me that it was a terrible adaption to the novel but I wasn't sure. I watched 20 minutes of it before I believed them. I think they took the basic premise of the novel and then put whatever they wanted in to the storyline. It's so bad I couldn't watch it and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone.





Also I really like the word Stalwart. It just sounds like an awesome word. Even without the meaning. I wish I could use it....I'll have to find a way.

New Year

Geez what a year 2010 was. I haven’t updated this blog in a while and I am 6 days behind the beginning of the new year, but oh well. I’m a terrible sporadic updater. Last year was definitely full of ups and downs and has lead me down a different path.

I was finally able to transfer to Stanislaus in the path and spend much of the beginning of the year preparing for that. Lots of shopping, applications, and financial aid. I left in August and quickly adapted to living in the dorms, which has been a huge experience. Learning to live on my own, with three others, away from my family, and an entire building of college kids is no small feat, but I’ve done pretty well. I did well in my classes and although they were more work than at delta and felt like a bigger deal I didn’t struggle too much. I pulled good grades and might be able to finish by next Christmas.

While living in the dorms I found out new things about myself and decided there were unresolved issues that I needed to get over. Midway through the year I went to see a psychologist. After the first meeting I had high hopes for what we were going to accomplish, unfortunately it didn’t work out and after a 5 minute second meeting there wasn’t anything after. I’m still hoping to get over my problems. I don’t really have a plan on how to accomplish this, but I know that there are things I need to do and things that I have to do. It’s been a slow trip to this spot and I know it will take even longer.

I was able to take several fantastic trips last year. We went to San Francisco’s De Young Museum to see the exhibit Tutankhamun & the Golden Age of Pharaohs. It was something that I had been keeping my eyes on when it opened and was finally able to talk my family into going. It was an amazing exhibit with artifacts from Egypt that were created ages ago. It was made me want to visit the national museum in Cairo. It must be an amazing place.

We were also able to visit Disneyland twice. We went the last week of June as a family and had a great time. There’s no place like Disneyland. We talked about going again in the winter because my mom loves the decorations and decided to go again. We did a lot of saving and were able to find the fund. My cousin’s Tom and Mike and Tim’s girlfriend Hannah went with us this time. We spent New Year’s in the park which was an experience. I don’t think I’ll ever go this time of year again. There were so many people. But it was still really fun and I can’t wait until we are able to go again.

It was definitely a big year and I know that much of what was started will roll over. I’m interested to see what this year holds and I hope that it is filled with improvement.

I’ll have to do another post with just pictures and videos from last year since there was so many.

Happy New Year!

Changed for the Better

I submitted my revision of ‘You Are My Drug.’ I can’t say that I love what I did. I’m even sure that I like what I did. I’ll have to read through it without the add stuff caped. It doesn’t help with everything so big and I still haven’t added the new non-capped story to the saved document that has every edition of the story.

Even if it isn’t my favorite there’s nothing I can’t change. It’s not like it’s set in stone. I’ll just have to figure out if I need to change anything. I’m hoping that I don’t and that what I wrote fits in with the story is supposed to be. I did try and address every critique that I was given. I read through the ones that I had to edit myself and noticed that many of them didn’t change too much and the ones that I gave the honest critique didn’t add anything that I said. It’s their stories and their choice what they want to add or not add. But I felt that all the comments I received should have been changed or added. So I did it.

We’ll have to see what happens.

Workin'

I’ve been working on my editing for the last couple hours on and off. It’s a little frustrating. I usually change some things then back away before going back to it. It allows the new things to settle before I re-read them. But it hasn’t been easy. It’s interesting how some changes just come easily. I can see where they need to be changed and why they need to be changed.

But others are a pain in the butt. I’m trying to find a place to add more Jay. It’s not first person POV but she’s still the main character and I guess that wasn’t showing before. So I have to find some way to make her more there. I also have to add some more meat to the story. I’m thinking that add more Jay will accomplish this, but I do know that I have to add other things as well. Like background. Which isn’t to difficult, but it’s not easy. I want to add more about Trevor and his reason for drugs but not give a specific setting, because this doesn’t have a certain place it takes place.

So this is what I’ve been doing. It’s a little hard since it’s just me and there isn’t anyone to bounce ideas off of, but I’ve never really worked well on any kind of writing with others. I just have to make sure that it’s right.