Imaginary Break

Sometimes you are effected by moments in ways you don't realize. For example I was in a car accident about 9 years ago. I rear-ended a truck. It wasn't a terrible accident unfortunately my car is made of paper and was smashed while his was fine. Since then when I am driving in the passenger seat with someone I automatically push down on an imaginary break when we get close to the car in front of us. I am so scared that we are going to hit them that my heart beats fast and I push on a imaginary break like I can do something. It' been 9 years and it hasn't gone away.

Last week I realized a new thing.

The morning my dog passed away I woke to a weird noise coming from downstairs. I thought it may have been one of the cats, but I wasn't sure. I ignored it for about a minute and finally went into the hallway and the top of the stairs to see what it was. It turns out it was my mother wailing. Something that I had never heard. She had found Chase in the pool.

Since then I do not wake up peacefully anymore instead I'm not a minor alert. Now every noise in the house while I am in bed freaks me out. Waking in the morning is the worst because I hear something and I freeze. I flashback to that morning and just think something bad has happened.

 It's like my new imaginary break

 

Chase

2016: The Good. The Bad. The Life Changer

                                                              2016 wasn't my best year.

 First the good. 

I was able to finally get a full time job as a librarian and had a fantastic vacation in November in which I was able to pay a majority of.

It's been wonderful to have money to help out and to be able to pay what bills I have and have money left over. I wasn't smart with my money last year, but now I can make a plan and actually start saving. I have also learned so much in new job. The librarians I work for are extremely knowledgeable, really care about their jobs, and truly believe in libraries and their employees which his a huge switch from my last job.

We were able to take a trip to Disneyland and Universal in November which was amazingly fantastic. Most of my family are big Disneyland fans and my sister and I started saving in 2015 so we could go. I was able to finally see the Wizarding World of Harry Potter (which was awesome) and we were able to do so much more at Disneyland than we've ever done before. We rolled high by staying at the Grand Californian which was not in the original plan, but was amazing. I think we could've stayed so many more days. Plus my 3 month old niece was able to go and although she won't remember anything it was fun spending so much time with her and we met so many characters it was nuts. It was one of the best trips we've ever had at Disneyland and has a family. 

Unfortunately 2016 was also a negative life changer.

 As much as I am thankful for my job and work for awesome people I work for I have become discontent with my job. I am still working part-time at my previous job and although my boss over there is the absolute worse I miss working there. I had so much more to do and felt like I was really doing something for the library and my community neither of which I have at my new job. Each day it is harder to come to work and stay because I do not want to be there. Most days I just really want to go home. I have been so torn over what I need to do and what I want to do. I'm a dedicated worker and would feel terrible about leaving my job and disappointing the people I work with to leave for another job after just a year, but at the same time I wonder what I need to do for me. It can be difficult hearing my boss say all the plans she has for me and asking how I am liking my job. It makes me feel terrible. I have had a constant battle in my head for a while now and I just do not know what to do.

In June my doctor told me my thyroid levels were low. He started me on a Thyroid Supplement, had me take another blood test, and sent me to a Ears, Nose, and Throat doctor. The ENT doctor immediately said I needed surgery because my thyroid was not working and was growing. He said I should remove it before it turned into a goiter and started cutting off my airflow. I went with it and was scheduled for surgery. He told me the surgery had small side effects that included accidentally nicking my vocal cord which would hurt my voice and possibly hurting the calcium pods next to the thyroid, but he wasn't concerned.

So I had surgery (my first ever major surgery which was terrifying)and woke up three hours later with a successful surgery and a nicked vocal nerve. Turns out the ENT spent an hour trying to find my vocal nerve and couldn't so he proceeded with the surgery and in the process he must have nicked it. Nicking it left me with a paralyzed right vocal cord. I was fine with it at first, but as I slowly lost the drugs from my system the more it sunk it.

It's been quite frustrating. I am unable to raise my voice, run out of air while talking, sometimes have trouble eating and drinking, and any small task has me wheezing. I miss my voice. You don't realize how easy talking is until your voice has been affected. I have tried doing storytime at work and have been unable to get through a song without running out of breath and have the same issue with reading the story (reading out loud in general has been hard). I have started speech therapy, but there really is no change short of another surgery that can even come close to getting my voice back. My ENT has slowly been raising my supplements with each blood test, but I haven't noticed any difference. I'm not sure what exactly I'm supposed to feel, but nothing has changed. I go in for more blood work in March and an ultrasound for the left side of the thyroid (which I still) have since they found a little cancer on the side they removed. It's been a journey and I'm not sure where it is supposed to take me.

The hard hitter though was passing of my dog Chase at the the end of October. He was having medical issues due to a botched surgery and snuck out of the house in the rain and fell in the pool. My mom found him shortly after. It has made life even more of a struggle. I miss him always. I've finally stopped crying everyday, but often times I am struck with such grief that is knocks me down.

 All of this has left me so messed up. I'm often depressed, so tired, brain fogged, and just want to stay in my bed. I am at a low point. I don't know what to do. I'd be lying if I said everyday was bad, but they happen more often than not.

So here I am as 2017 starts.

Where that is I'm not sure. Almost at the bottom. I haven't hit the rock, but it could be hiding in the fog.

Epic Adventure

I really want to do something epic this year. Not just a vacation or a trip, but something really amazing. I was talking to me friend a couple months ago and we mentioned a road trip. Of course it hasn't been mentioned again, but it's been stewing in my brain since we brought it up. It wouldn't be easy. Actually being away from my family (I do it for school but it's still been difficult), finding the money, finding a good car, and I would need to find a travel buddy or two. But it sounds like it could just be awesome. I'm thinking it might be the epicness that I'm looking for. I'll have to keep looking and hope that I find it.

The Scarlet Letter

The Scarlet Letter with Demi Moore is on. My American Lit college professor and the movie Easy A both told me that it was a terrible adaption to the novel but I wasn't sure. I watched 20 minutes of it before I believed them. I think they took the basic premise of the novel and then put whatever they wanted in to the storyline. It's so bad I couldn't watch it and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone.





Also I really like the word Stalwart. It just sounds like an awesome word. Even without the meaning. I wish I could use it....I'll have to find a way.

New Year

Geez what a year 2010 was. I haven’t updated this blog in a while and I am 6 days behind the beginning of the new year, but oh well. I’m a terrible sporadic updater. Last year was definitely full of ups and downs and has lead me down a different path.

I was finally able to transfer to Stanislaus in the path and spend much of the beginning of the year preparing for that. Lots of shopping, applications, and financial aid. I left in August and quickly adapted to living in the dorms, which has been a huge experience. Learning to live on my own, with three others, away from my family, and an entire building of college kids is no small feat, but I’ve done pretty well. I did well in my classes and although they were more work than at delta and felt like a bigger deal I didn’t struggle too much. I pulled good grades and might be able to finish by next Christmas.

While living in the dorms I found out new things about myself and decided there were unresolved issues that I needed to get over. Midway through the year I went to see a psychologist. After the first meeting I had high hopes for what we were going to accomplish, unfortunately it didn’t work out and after a 5 minute second meeting there wasn’t anything after. I’m still hoping to get over my problems. I don’t really have a plan on how to accomplish this, but I know that there are things I need to do and things that I have to do. It’s been a slow trip to this spot and I know it will take even longer.

I was able to take several fantastic trips last year. We went to San Francisco’s De Young Museum to see the exhibit Tutankhamun & the Golden Age of Pharaohs. It was something that I had been keeping my eyes on when it opened and was finally able to talk my family into going. It was an amazing exhibit with artifacts from Egypt that were created ages ago. It was made me want to visit the national museum in Cairo. It must be an amazing place.

We were also able to visit Disneyland twice. We went the last week of June as a family and had a great time. There’s no place like Disneyland. We talked about going again in the winter because my mom loves the decorations and decided to go again. We did a lot of saving and were able to find the fund. My cousin’s Tom and Mike and Tim’s girlfriend Hannah went with us this time. We spent New Year’s in the park which was an experience. I don’t think I’ll ever go this time of year again. There were so many people. But it was still really fun and I can’t wait until we are able to go again.

It was definitely a big year and I know that much of what was started will roll over. I’m interested to see what this year holds and I hope that it is filled with improvement.

I’ll have to do another post with just pictures and videos from last year since there was so many.

Happy New Year!

Changed for the Better

I submitted my revision of ‘You Are My Drug.’ I can’t say that I love what I did. I’m even sure that I like what I did. I’ll have to read through it without the add stuff caped. It doesn’t help with everything so big and I still haven’t added the new non-capped story to the saved document that has every edition of the story.

Even if it isn’t my favorite there’s nothing I can’t change. It’s not like it’s set in stone. I’ll just have to figure out if I need to change anything. I’m hoping that I don’t and that what I wrote fits in with the story is supposed to be. I did try and address every critique that I was given. I read through the ones that I had to edit myself and noticed that many of them didn’t change too much and the ones that I gave the honest critique didn’t add anything that I said. It’s their stories and their choice what they want to add or not add. But I felt that all the comments I received should have been changed or added. So I did it.

We’ll have to see what happens.

Workin'

I’ve been working on my editing for the last couple hours on and off. It’s a little frustrating. I usually change some things then back away before going back to it. It allows the new things to settle before I re-read them. But it hasn’t been easy. It’s interesting how some changes just come easily. I can see where they need to be changed and why they need to be changed.

But others are a pain in the butt. I’m trying to find a place to add more Jay. It’s not first person POV but she’s still the main character and I guess that wasn’t showing before. So I have to find some way to make her more there. I also have to add some more meat to the story. I’m thinking that add more Jay will accomplish this, but I do know that I have to add other things as well. Like background. Which isn’t to difficult, but it’s not easy. I want to add more about Trevor and his reason for drugs but not give a specific setting, because this doesn’t have a certain place it takes place.

So this is what I’ve been doing. It’s a little hard since it’s just me and there isn’t anyone to bounce ideas off of, but I’ve never really worked well on any kind of writing with others. I just have to make sure that it’s right.

Making the Plan

So I finally did some actual work on my creative writing revisions. Well not a lot of work. I printed out the reviews and highlighted the remarks that I feel will be of good use. I’ve decided to edit You Are My Drug I feel like right now it would be best to get this one edited. I’m not even close to finished the story with Jesel and…I don’t know…I would like to have Jay and Trevor’s story done.

I feel safer with this story.
So tomorrow I need to find out a bit more about cocaine and then go through and work on it. I usually sit there for a couple of hours writing stuff in the margin, crossing out stuff in the margins, and then rewriting more stuff. Tomorrow seems like the best time to do it so I’m not rushed on Friday. I want to do my best. I really like this story and want to make sure it gets the add-ons it deserves.

Imagination At It's Best

I realize that I haven’t been updating this as much as I’m supposed too. It’s not that I forget about it, I actually have am alarm on my phone that goes off at 3:00pm every weekday saying “BLOG!!” The problem is that I don’t know what to write. I think about it all day, but I can never come up with anything to say.

To me writing goes hand in hand with reading. I don’t believe that had I not LOVED reading I never would have picked up a pencil and began to write. We all have imaginations as kids but as we get older we lose the ability to not only pretend but make up adventures in our minds. Reading allows us to keep that.

I was going through this website weheartit.com which is a site with pictures of all types. I was looking through the quote section (because I love love quotes) and I saw this pictures that said “Book lovers never go to be alone.” And I realized how to true this is. Especially when I go to the dentist or to give blood and they always ask of you want a magazine. I politely decline and spend the time waiting looking around the room and then staring out the window. And while I might look weird just staring my mind is on its own adventure. I could be daydreaming. Thinking up characters that I’ve made up and what they’re doing. Or I might be going over a story that I’ve already read. The parts of the story that the writing didn’t write. Just the mundane steps fascinate me. And I find that time passes very quickly.

I believe that reading is an amazing thing. And I understand that not everyone enjoys reading (especially at my age) but it’s a huge part of me and it’s always been there.

Reading has given me the confidence to write. To create world and people are my entirely and whose stories I cherish. I can’t imagine not have the ability to be able to do both.

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” Some people think that reading is boring, but the only truth I can tell is the fact that reading has saved me from bad realities. Yes, I know that I can’t just stay living in my own imagination through the books I read whether it’s a fiction or not. But filling up my mind with good things (even when it’s imaginary) has done much in healing some invisible scars.”

The Best Find At The Wrong Time

My mother and I went to the local street fair on Sunday. I wasn’t planning on buying anything since I don’t have a job and any money I get from babysitting I save, but I took $25 and decided just getting out of the house was nice. We were strolling down the street with antiques and my mom was looking over everything looking for a gift me for grandmother….plus anything she might want. A man was selling books and I of course went over to look. Sitting on the top self was three older different sets of the Lord of the Rings trilogy, the series I had just put on my WANT LIST only two weeks earlier. He said it would cost $45 and I almost gave in. It took a lot for me to walk away. It figures that when I have no money everything I want comes out from hiding.

Anyways….I read over my reviews from my creative writing class. It’s going to be difficult editing my story. It’s not like a lot was asked of me but it hard taking something that sits pretty good and adding more meat to it. Plus I want to make sure I like it. I mean having other people enjoy what I’ve written is awesome and I love it, but I want to make sure that it still fits into what I want it to be and what it’s supposed to be.

Tactful Criticism

I finished turning in my assigned story reviews. I tried to stay tactful with my reviews and I’m hoping that they didn’t come off as mean.

I had a harder time this week than I did last. I think that’s because I found two of this week’s stories not as great as the ones before. That sound mean, but unfortunately that’s what I thought. I tried to be as nice as I could and still relay my message. It’s harder than one might think giving a tactful review. Whatever you might want to say as to be edited. I’m not a mean person and I don’t think that I would ay anything mean anyways, but sometimes you want to just tell someone the truth.

I hope the other students take my reviews as criticism as helpful and not mean.

I know I recieved a review that...well she said what she believed and it wasn't good at all. No matter how tactful it is any review that takes apart your story can be hurtful. But as a writer you have to take the bad and turn it into something good so that you can improve your story.

Teaching the Art of Writing

I helped my sister write a paper for a scholarship she’s entering. Somehow I became the essay expert and since my freshman year of high school I’ve been helping all of my brothers and sisters write their essays. I’m not a fantastic essay writer. I know that I’m majoring in English but I still have yet to master punctuation and formal word usage (also using big words), but I am amazed at how….bad my sisters and brothers are at writing. It kind of amazes me that they can’t write an essay and make it sound professional. It’s times like this that I realize everyone isn’t good at everything. There are things that some can do and things that some cannot do. And while you feel smart and great doing the things that you can do you have to realize that not everyone has that come so easily to them.

Usually when one of my siblings comes to me with school work I take over. The last essay my sister Erin had to write I snuck on her computer, which she left in my room, and finished the essay. Tonight though I just gave my sister, Chelsea, a prompt and told her to write what she felt should be written. After she wrote it out and read it back to be I tweaked it a little, but not as much as I usually would. Although this was different than before since it was a essay about her and she knows herself better than I would I think I’m going to try and continue to work this way. Not only will I stop getting blamed for their papers not grading so high but it will teach them how to write on their own. I can’t continue to have them come into my room saying “we have a lot of work to do” and then basically so their work for them. I think it’s time they stop being so dependent on me. Not for everything but for things that they need to accomplish on their own.

Getting Things Done

I printed out my assigned stories (correctly back to back). I’ll hopefully get them read tomorrow or Wednesday. I have a Shakespeare paper due on Sunday, a test due Wednesday, and will more than likely have homework for my Word, Excel, and Access class. I would like to get most of the work finished before Saturday. I’m tired of waiting until the day it’s due to turn everything in. I need to become a better student and motivate myself to work before.

I had a quick look-through of the stories I’m supposed to read and I realized that I responded to a review two weeks ago and called the woman the wrong name. Her name is Jacquelynn but it’s weirdly separated on the board and I called her Jaque. Opps. I hope she does think I was be lazy and didn’t type out her name correctly for that I was being rude. I’ll get it right this time.

The stories I was given (except for the same author I previously had) are different than I what I had last time. It’ll be interesting to see how they turn out.

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I just watched a video that was either depressing or heartwarming depending on how the watcher feels. I found it super depressing and admittedly I cried. It’s the story of a child fight and a parent’s love. It’s amazing to see how this baby fought all odds and the pictures of his life. Not only the child but the parents who loved this baby and fought alongside him praying and giving him everything they had. I’m getting teary eyed just thinking about it. Here it is but it is sad. So don’t watch if you aren’t willing to give a cry. Also it doesn't fit too well in this space so you might want to double-click the video and go directly to the page.

Work Work Work

I finally finished King Lear today. Seem to take forever but I really enjoyed it. I was shocked by how it ended, but I shouldn’t be surprised. Shakespeare was the master of soap operas before they existed.

I spent some of the day thinking about how I’m going to edit me story. I didn’t write anything down though. I like to work it out in my head first. It allows me to go over all the possibilities before picking which one I believe fits best into the story. Once I decide what I want to do I’ll start to finally edit what needs to be added or changed.

Friday Night Thoughts

First off I read my post from Wednesday and wow could it get more I-pity-myself. I guess that’s what happens when you write out your train of thought. Which I love doing. Oh well.

Next week we start to get our reviews for our stories. I have to say that I’m really nervous. That last one I turned it I had a bit of confidence in. I believe that it is one of my best written pieces. So I was nervous about that one but this one is a lot worse. I think it’s because I know that it needs work. It’s a story set in a place that I have made up completely and still so not fully understand. I’m super nervous but am curious to see what my classmates and teacher think of the piece.

I bought some new songs on Saturday. I was tired of the playlist I have and wanted to get some new tunes. I bought this song by the girl Lesley Roy called “Dead But Breathing.” It’s a great song. I have a weak spot for pianos and I love how the piano plays throughout the song. I was listening to the song right after I bought it and realized that if I had written my story “You are My Drug” differently it would have been this song. Instead of forgiving her love she told him that she could handle it anymore and wanted to break up. It fit so perfectly which I found funny. I’d never heard this song before and yet it held all the emotion that I want my story to hold.

This weekend I have to finish King Lear, retake a test, and finish homework for the retake test class. I have two days but I feel like I need a week. I can’t wait for this week to be over.

Old Addiction and New

Today as I was pulling off the stickers on the back of my Shakespeare book I realized that I haven’t read an actually book in a long time and it made me sad. For as long as I can remember I’ve always had a book that I carried everywhere. I was the girl who when she didn’t have a book heard “Jackie doesn’t’ have a book. No way.” You know the book nerd. And I never cared because I loved having my book and opened it whenever I could. Even if that meant sneaking it out when the teacher wasn’t watching and reading instead of taking notes.

Upon graduating college I received a lap-top computer. It’s what the children in my house get for graduating. I was super excited. I’m also a bit of a technology fan. I’d been using the family PC for games, websites, and reading. I’d been a fan of websites such as fanfiction.com, Quizilla, and Fictionpress.com. All of which I posted some sort of original work and followed wonderful authors. Although I read online I never spent too much time because I preferred my books. Getting the lap-top changed everything. I’ve since become a bit of a computer addict. I’m on it pretty much all day. NO matter what I have to be on it.

In about August of 2006, a few months after graduating, I found this show called Queer As Folk (or QAF) which had just ended the year before. After I watched all of the show clips and look up pictures I began reading fanfiction something I swore I would never do. And I became addicted. There are some amazing writers who not only write fanfiction but also write original work as well. Since then I read all day.

I love the fact that I’m still reading. And just because the characters in the stories are from a tv show doesn’t mean that the writing can’t imagine some of the most amazing settings and story lines that I have ever read. But I’m still sad that I don’t carry around a book. That I don’t read the same stories that I once did. I read romance stories now instead of science fiction novels. While I was at a bookstore I picked up one the new novels in a series I used to love and read the back. I really need to try to get into it again. I was so interested in what I read but all I could think about was the multi-series story that I was in the middle of reading. I really have to get over this computer addiction and get back in book addiction. A tiny part so I can hear my mom stop saying “I haven’t seen you with a book in forever.” But mostly for me.

Not leaving the house and staring a computer screen, even if I’m reading, is bad for me. It’s bad for my health and it’s bad for my dreams and my goals. I just wish it wasn’t so difficult and that I could actually stick to getting of the computer. Not just saying I will.

Fnishing the Act

I turned in my story chapter for class. I spent the day re-reading and editing what I already had using comments I’ve previously received and things I didn’t care for. I’m not that okay with it. It still needs a lot of work, but I think that any kind of comments I have can only improve the chapter.

I think that once I have this chapter done and set up the way that I want it’ll be helpful for the rest of the story. The first chapter should give me the mood that I’m looking for and the writing style that I’ll need to keep everything flowing. I would love more than anything to finish this story. I’ve gotten pretty far into it already (which is pretty surprising). All I need to finish is the second half of the middle and onward. I know how I want it to end and have actually written a little one-shot that goes after the story.

We’ll see what the students think. I’m hoping that I’ll receive a lot of good feedback.

Busy Busy

This is not going to be a fun week. Suddenly I’ve been dropped with a lot of important school work. The tow that I’m most worried about is the Shakespeare book King Lear that I have to have done by Saturday and a re-take test plus homework for my Word, Excel, and Access class. Goodness…plus my sister turned 21 today. I wish it was already next Monday.

So I’m caught between two stories to turn into my creative writing class. They both need a lot of work. I need to add a good amount of bone to one and change and fix quite a bit in the other. But they are the only pieces that I feel semi-comfortable turning it. I know that the point of this assignment is to have someone read your work and give you good criticism. I know that it’s okay to turn in something that’s not perfect and needs to work but I don’t want to turn in something that I don’t think is even close to good.

I need to have more pieces that I can look at and feel like I do about “You’re my Drug.” So I think I’ll look over the two pieces that I have and see which one needs the least amount of editing. It’s starting off as a fun fun week. Yayyyy.

And the Reviews Are In

I received all of the critiques and review for my submitted story yesterday. Five in total. Four from students and one from my teacher herself (whose names I misspelled after emails her-SO SO sorry Mrs. Giliiam). I found it interesting that every review had something different to say. At least three found it confusing until they reached the end, but that was kinda point of the story. I didn’t want to give away everything.

When I submitted this last time (I turned it in again because I wanted to get more feedback) almost all of the reviews asked for the name of the drug and for Jay to have more backbone. This time I received four different problems that the editors would like changed. Even though they would like to see me add more to the story I’m really glad that the previous problems I had did not exist. It means that I did my job.

Now comes the hard part. It’s time for me to go deeper into the story. To revisit the same thought-path I had before, but make changes on the way. It’s definitely going to take longer than week so I’m going to try and start it soon.

After I find another piece to turn it. That’s my first dilemma. I don’t have another piece that I’m as proud of as this one. It’s time to go through my notepads and search my computer. After that I’ll work on “You Are My Drug.”

I am glad that they liked the title. I wasn’t (and still am) not sure how much I like it, but since I didn’t have any bad remarks on it I’ll keep it…..for now at least.

Editing Birthdays

Today my brother turned 15. On Monday my sister turns 21. The older my siblings get the older I feel. I have four younger siblings and I can remember them being younger. Not losing the baby fat, or voice changes, or dating, or anything that comes with being older. This aging thing seems to get going way to fast.

I mean 15 years old. I remember when he was born. It doesn’t seem like it was that long ago he was 8. Goodness.

I finished reading my assigned stories. I’ve edited them pretty thoroughly and have written out what I think needs to be changed. I have to go through what I’ve written to make it helpful and tactful. I don’t want to insult them or make anyone upset. So I need to get that done by tonight or mid-day tomorrow.
The pieces I read were pretty good. There were a couple of things that I didn’t believe fit into the story or I feel they missed quite a bit. Two confused me. One of those seemed like the writer wrote it just before it was due and didn’t go over it at all. The other two weren’t too bad. They had a couple of unnecessary facts that made me question at the end why it was there.

Overall they were interesting and I hope that they will be able to edit their pieces. I would like to see how they come about after the student responses.