Imaginary Break

Sometimes you are effected by moments in ways you don't realize. For example I was in a car accident about 9 years ago. I rear-ended a truck. It wasn't a terrible accident unfortunately my car is made of paper and was smashed while his was fine. Since then when I am driving in the passenger seat with someone I automatically push down on an imaginary break when we get close to the car in front of us. I am so scared that we are going to hit them that my heart beats fast and I push on a imaginary break like I can do something. It' been 9 years and it hasn't gone away.

Last week I realized a new thing.

The morning my dog passed away I woke to a weird noise coming from downstairs. I thought it may have been one of the cats, but I wasn't sure. I ignored it for about a minute and finally went into the hallway and the top of the stairs to see what it was. It turns out it was my mother wailing. Something that I had never heard. She had found Chase in the pool.

Since then I do not wake up peacefully anymore instead I'm not a minor alert. Now every noise in the house while I am in bed freaks me out. Waking in the morning is the worst because I hear something and I freeze. I flashback to that morning and just think something bad has happened.

 It's like my new imaginary break

 

Chase

2016: The Good. The Bad. The Life Changer

                                                              2016 wasn't my best year.

 First the good. 

I was able to finally get a full time job as a librarian and had a fantastic vacation in November in which I was able to pay a majority of.

It's been wonderful to have money to help out and to be able to pay what bills I have and have money left over. I wasn't smart with my money last year, but now I can make a plan and actually start saving. I have also learned so much in new job. The librarians I work for are extremely knowledgeable, really care about their jobs, and truly believe in libraries and their employees which his a huge switch from my last job.

We were able to take a trip to Disneyland and Universal in November which was amazingly fantastic. Most of my family are big Disneyland fans and my sister and I started saving in 2015 so we could go. I was able to finally see the Wizarding World of Harry Potter (which was awesome) and we were able to do so much more at Disneyland than we've ever done before. We rolled high by staying at the Grand Californian which was not in the original plan, but was amazing. I think we could've stayed so many more days. Plus my 3 month old niece was able to go and although she won't remember anything it was fun spending so much time with her and we met so many characters it was nuts. It was one of the best trips we've ever had at Disneyland and has a family. 

Unfortunately 2016 was also a negative life changer.

 As much as I am thankful for my job and work for awesome people I work for I have become discontent with my job. I am still working part-time at my previous job and although my boss over there is the absolute worse I miss working there. I had so much more to do and felt like I was really doing something for the library and my community neither of which I have at my new job. Each day it is harder to come to work and stay because I do not want to be there. Most days I just really want to go home. I have been so torn over what I need to do and what I want to do. I'm a dedicated worker and would feel terrible about leaving my job and disappointing the people I work with to leave for another job after just a year, but at the same time I wonder what I need to do for me. It can be difficult hearing my boss say all the plans she has for me and asking how I am liking my job. It makes me feel terrible. I have had a constant battle in my head for a while now and I just do not know what to do.

In June my doctor told me my thyroid levels were low. He started me on a Thyroid Supplement, had me take another blood test, and sent me to a Ears, Nose, and Throat doctor. The ENT doctor immediately said I needed surgery because my thyroid was not working and was growing. He said I should remove it before it turned into a goiter and started cutting off my airflow. I went with it and was scheduled for surgery. He told me the surgery had small side effects that included accidentally nicking my vocal cord which would hurt my voice and possibly hurting the calcium pods next to the thyroid, but he wasn't concerned.

So I had surgery (my first ever major surgery which was terrifying)and woke up three hours later with a successful surgery and a nicked vocal nerve. Turns out the ENT spent an hour trying to find my vocal nerve and couldn't so he proceeded with the surgery and in the process he must have nicked it. Nicking it left me with a paralyzed right vocal cord. I was fine with it at first, but as I slowly lost the drugs from my system the more it sunk it.

It's been quite frustrating. I am unable to raise my voice, run out of air while talking, sometimes have trouble eating and drinking, and any small task has me wheezing. I miss my voice. You don't realize how easy talking is until your voice has been affected. I have tried doing storytime at work and have been unable to get through a song without running out of breath and have the same issue with reading the story (reading out loud in general has been hard). I have started speech therapy, but there really is no change short of another surgery that can even come close to getting my voice back. My ENT has slowly been raising my supplements with each blood test, but I haven't noticed any difference. I'm not sure what exactly I'm supposed to feel, but nothing has changed. I go in for more blood work in March and an ultrasound for the left side of the thyroid (which I still) have since they found a little cancer on the side they removed. It's been a journey and I'm not sure where it is supposed to take me.

The hard hitter though was passing of my dog Chase at the the end of October. He was having medical issues due to a botched surgery and snuck out of the house in the rain and fell in the pool. My mom found him shortly after. It has made life even more of a struggle. I miss him always. I've finally stopped crying everyday, but often times I am struck with such grief that is knocks me down.

 All of this has left me so messed up. I'm often depressed, so tired, brain fogged, and just want to stay in my bed. I am at a low point. I don't know what to do. I'd be lying if I said everyday was bad, but they happen more often than not.

So here I am as 2017 starts.

Where that is I'm not sure. Almost at the bottom. I haven't hit the rock, but it could be hiding in the fog.