I always have these things that go through me head. Rants and ideas and funny things that I see. And I always try to write it out, but I'm always wither to scared or I type it out and it sounds ridiculous. So I never type anything. Of course I always do come to whine. I hate whining. I feel like I have no reason to feel sorry for my self. No reason to complain. No reason at all. But I know that I whine a lot. Or at least it feels like a lot. The first time I ranted/whined on my livejournal someone came across it and told me to stop. That people move on and I should get over it. That’s part of the reason I don’t do a lot of post or rants (or whatever you want to call them).
I think the reason I do it on here is because I have no one to talk to. I never thought I was before, but I came to a realization that I might be a little emotionally stunted. I’m not sure if that’s the word, but I hold everything in. I don’t reveal me feeling or problems very often. It usually takes something big for me to reveal anything. And I found that telling someone had no effect. The either moved to conversation on or forgot about what we talked about.
I was driving with my mother one day and she asked me a question. I gave my usually wishy-washy answer and she pressed. I did the “I’m fine” but she wasn’t taking that for an answer. So she drove all over town while I told her pretty much everything. How I thought I was depressed, how I was unhappy, how I just was. She offered to have me talk with my grandfather but I said no. So she told me that she would do what she could to help. Turns out this was nothing. Things didn’t change and I think she forgot about what we discussed.
It’s like no one cares. I know that I’m really good at holding it in, but they have to see the wholes on the wall. The moments where I can’t hide it. I don’t know if they can see it or if they just look past it.
Because I’m not outgoing or expressive I don’t have a lot of people. I have my family, but that….well it is what it is. And friends. I have two. One lives in San Francisco and I don’t see her. We talk online sometimes and there have been promises of meeting but they always fall through when something else happens. I guess 15 years of friendship doesn’t have a high priority. My other friend just recently moved to the college that we had been planning on going to together. And now she’s just to busy. It’s been almost five months since I’ve even seen her. And now she’s in a sorority and apparently moving into a house with two of her BFF’s. Funny I thought we were best friends and were going to move into a place when I got there.
I can’t put the whole blame on them. I’m not the most outgoing person. I’ve been to San Francisco twice (twice more than her) but haven’t really gone back. And I haven’t been to Turlock; plus I don’t drink alcohol or kiss random guys so going out and getting hammered and laughing about how messed up we were isn’t really an option. I know that I should take part of the blame, but I’m do tired of doing everything for everyone else and getting nothing in return. Out of sight out of mind. It’s so frustrating and annoying. I hate that it hurts so much. I hate being unhappy and alone. I just wish someone would actually keep a promise and go through with what they said.
I’m tired of being this way. And more than anything I wish I could change it, but I can’t and I don’t know how. And even if I did know how I know I wouldn’t do anything about it. I’m too scared to face my fears. To stand up for myself. I’m always going to be low on the totem pole because I allow myself to be there.
And next year I transfer to the school that we were going to go together. And I’ll either follow her around like a nice little puppy or I’ll be alone. Great options right?